Lost & Gained

I've written before about people I've lost.  I will do that again here (one specifically), but I also want to write about people I've gained.

My father-in-law was a wonderful man.  He was kind, sweet, smart, caring, generous, and loved life.  My oldest boy, Z, would always make him laugh.  All of his grandkids did, but this blog is from my perspective, so please pardon me if I don't mention the other grandchildren more.  He called him "Sport" and would always tease me and J about the "fits" that kid was giving us, and would continue to give us in the future.  He loved hearing the new things Z had done, learned, said, in a way that only grandparents can.  Z was only 18 months old when he lost his grandfather.  How we lost him is another blog, but suffice it to say it was a freak accident.  A sudden loss.  An unexpected hole blasted in our hearts.

But our family has grown since then.

My husband and I have given him another grandson, M.  Wow, my father-in-law (and us) only THOUGHT Z was a handful!  Whew!!! M exhausts me just watching him.  He is so full of energy, and mischief.  I never know what he's going to say.  Or do.  I have not yet figured out how his mind works, and frankly, I don't think I want to know.  He makes me laugh daily.  And shake my head in disbelief.  And rant and rave.  And pray for patience.  And blame my husband for all of his bad traits (even though he clearly got them from my side of the family.  Shhhhh!  Don't tell J that I admitted that.)  He is a charmer, though.  He can smile and you have to smile with him.  He laughs and you have to laugh with him.  He brings joy (and frustration, lol) everywhere he goes.  His Papaw would have LOVED him.  I don't mean just with his heart, but with sense of humor, with his mind, and with his heart.

M would have had Papaw wrapped around his little finger, too.  I have no doubt about that whatsoever.  M would have pulled one of his stunts that make me want to strangle him and Papaw would have laughed, shaken his head, and said (as he did so many times with Z), "He's all boy, isn't he.  It's terrible to spank a kid just 'cause he feels good."  So, of course, I couldn't have spanked him then.  No matter how much he needed it.  Yes, M would've loved Papaw just as much as Papaw would've loved him.

My husband also gave his dad a granddaughter.  We found out about her just a couple of years ago (another long story), but she is a joy.  Her mother is from a previous marriage, and H just turned 13.  Only 13.  And she's 5 inches taller than I am.  *sigh*  Yes, I'm vertically challenged, but that's beside the point.  H is pretty awesome.  She got all of her dad's best traits.  She's sweet, funny, smart, easy-going, and caring.  Her Papaw B (she calls her other grandfather Papaw) would have loved her, too.  See, she's just like he was.  H takes after her dad, and her dad takes after his dad.  Seriously, it's like they were cloned.  Well, except she's a little goofier (actually more than "a little"), and she's a girl.  This family is pretty amazing.

And H would've loved her Papaw B.  He would've spoiled her just as much as her other Papaw.  He would've given her the moon if she'd asked for it.  She'd have wrapped him around her little finger, too.  Just like she has her dad.  But I have to say, she doesn't over-step.  She doesn't push the limits.  She's just so quietly sweet, that people want to give her things just to see her smile.  She doesn't manipulate like so many kids do (including my boys that know exactly how to get what they want out of Mamaw B.)  She's just H.

My husband's brother, K, has also gotten married, gained two step-daughters, and had a little girl of his own.  My father-in-law would really have loved to see that.  K had some problems that slowed down his family creating abilities (a third long story, and not mine to tell), but everything seems back on track for him.  As much as I know my father-in-law would have loved to see the family that J and I have gained, I know in my heart that K's life now would have brought him more happiness and peace than any of you can possibly imagine.

So we lost one.  And we've gained six.  But each of those six lost one they never knew.  And that was a treasure of which they can never know the value.

I do like to think of my father-in-law looking down from Heaven and smiling.  Happy at what he left behind.  Proud of how we've grown.  Laughing at our children and how they make us pull our hair out.  Yes, I can see him laughing at us all.  And that makes me smile through all of the tears.

A Late Dad to a Daughter

My husband found out last year that he had a daughter from his previous wife, so he came late to being the dad of a daughter.  He met her shortly before her 11th birthday.  The bonded immediately, as she did with her two brothers her dad had with me.  Instantaneous, right down to the sibling fights, shouts of "Leave Me Alone!" and hugs and kisses.

But as wonderful as it is to get to know her, I can't help but think of all he (and she) missed.  Michael Mitchell has a wonderful blog called Life to Her Yeaars that is letters to his daughter that he started when she was born.  It's pretty awesome.  But he did a guest blog called 50 Rules for Dads of Daughters that just made me cry.  They are wonderful pieces of advice.  What made me cry was how many of these rules my husband can't obey with his daughter because he missed the first decade of her life.

He'll never get play peekaboo with her.  He'll never be able to sit her on his lap and let her drive his car.  He's already missed ten birthdays.  He'll never get to turn her down gently when she asks him as a young girl to marry her .  He's never going to see her get on the school bus.He'll never get to ride her on his shoulders.  These are "rites of passage" with daughters and dads.  And he has missed SO much not knowing about her.  They both have.

It makes me sad.

She lives so far away (about 8 hours) that he misses so much of her life.  Telephone calls, Facebook and texts only do so much.  He can't hug his daughter electronically.  He can't help her with her homework.  He can't tease her until she smiles.  He won't know IF she smiles.  He can't ruffle her hair with his hand.  He can't argue with her over bedtime.  He misses so much of her life.  He misses Her.

When she comes back at Christmas he will marvel over how tall she's gotten.  He'll give her Christmas presents, take her places, tease her, dote on her, and love her.  But all of that he will also do for the boys.  That's right of course, but they are still making up for lost time.  Lost time they will never get back.

All he can do from now on is his best.  We all try not to dwell on "what-if."  It is a senseless question and really does more harm than good when asked.  He forms the bonds of love with her now while he can, and tries to show her that he loves her.  But it's difficult when those years of her innocent, unconditional trust were missed.

That they are together makes me very happy.  That they missed ten years makes me sad.  I'm looking at the relationship from the outside, so how much more do they feel?

Hug your daughter(s).  Hug your son(s).  Love them.  Realize how precious they are.  Think how lucky you are to have had them this long, and remember that they can be taken from you in a blink.  In an instant everything can change.  Don't take this time for granted.  You can be there and still miss it if you aren't careful.

Be careful.

And comment if you have any special remembrances of your kids, of lack of them.  Tell me if this grabs your heart for any reason.  I'd like to know.

As a Mother & Step-Mother

First, as a Step-Mother.......

H. went home last weekend.  We drove her the entire 7 hours home.  It was a long road trip.  But with her laughing in the back seat, telling us stories, clearly excited to be going home, it was rather short.  Bittersweet, but short.  Then we got close to home.  She got quiet.  Very quiet.  Sad.  So did we.  The 7 hours back home were much longer. And quieter.  And more bitter, than sweet.  Even if DH and I got to spend 7 hours without hearing, "Mommy, he touched me."  "Mommy, are we there yet?"  "Mommy, when are we going to be there?"

The house, too, is quiet.  It's amazing how one less child (with 2 still in attendance, and boys, at that), can make a house feel so empty.  There is no more giggling 12-year-old girl doing a funny walk across our living room.  There is no girl with puppy-dog eyes saying, "Daaaaad, may I pleeeeeeeeeeease stay up until 10:30?"  There is no girl asking me to play archery with her on the Wii and beat her dad.  There is no girl.  And I miss her.  There seems to be an empty place in my heart now.  Even though she is just a few hours away, she feels gone.  Even though I talk to her every night, she feels gone.  I feel her gone.  And I miss her.  I almost feel like a kid again wanting to know "When is Christmas going to be here?" because SHE will be back then.  And then I won't miss her.

Second, As a Mother.......

All of you parents are familiar with school color charts.  They all vary some, but in essence, Green is Good; Yellow, not-so-much (or "just a little bad" as M likes to say); and Red is REALLY going-to-get-a-spanking Bad.

Usually, M is my little Martian.  He stays on green.  He's sweet, lovable, mischievous, but he stays on green.  Not this week.  So far, we've had Red, Yellow, Green, Red/Green (Red in the morning, Green in the afternoon because his teacher is too sweet and took pity on him), and today.....well, today, I'm scared to ask.  All colors (other than green) are for being defiant and back talking his teacher.  He acts up, she calls him down, he say, "So?"  Why?  I asked him.  He said, "I like saying 'so.' " Huh?  Where did my little Green Martian go?  Could he be 7 hours North (see above) with H?  Is that what is prompting this bad behavior?  I hope so.  And I hope my little Green Martian will come home soon.  I miss him, too.  And I know his pre-school teacher misses him, too.

Z, is a different story.  He's more like Jekyll and Hyde lately.  And, no, it can't be teenage hormones because he's only 7.  We've seen Red, Orange, Yellow, Orange this week.  I cannot text his teacher and ask about his behavior.  Not that I really want to do that.  With his track record this week, I'm thinking I really don't want to know.  He has gotten spankings 4 days this week.  We took away all electronics -- Wii, DS, computer, everything except his TV which his little brother shares.  (It wouldn't have been fair to M to take away the TV.)  We've begged, pleaded, yelled (I regret the yelling), bribed, threatened......nothing is working.  I would say that his problems began with his sister's return home, but we had the same problems during the ENTIRE 1st GRADE.  Making noises (humming, tapping), not listening, consistent disobedience, playing in the bathroom (really? the bathroom?  can't you find a better place to play, son?), not following directions.  It's like Z is in his own little world, and will only open the door if he likes what his teacher is saying.  If not, oh, well.  Z seems to think if he ignores her long enough, she'll disappear.  Not happening.

Z is a smart kid.  I mean REALLY smart.  And usually well-mannered, polite, sweet.  A regular Dr. Jekyll.  Except at school.  Then Mr. Hyde comes out.  Loud, obnoxious, stubborn, rude, brat.  His dad and I are almost at our wit's end.  We hoped that the Talented & Gifted program he is in this year (see?  I told you he was smart!) would help with the behavior.  We hoped that Cub Scouts would help with the behavior.  We're still hoping.  And praying.  And begging, threatening, bribing, etc.  I don't like Mr. Hyde.  I want to evict him from my house.  Now.

So, that's my life lately.  Full little roller coaster, isn't it?  That's why this post is a day late (and I know you all waited anxiously with bated breath yesterday wondering why it wasn't appearing!  Yeah, right!).  We've had happiness, sadness, anxiety, anger, disappointment, confusion.  I'm tired of the roller coaster.  I WANT OFF!!!   I want my little Green Martian back.  I want Dr. Jekyll back.  I want H.  back.  I want all of my kids (even the one I just get to borrow) back at my house.  Under one roof.

So, if any of you wonderful friends and readers have any ideas on how to accomplish any / all of the above, then I await your suggestions, answers, and comments with hope and prayers.  Thank you all for listening to me rant.  Thank you for letting me borrow your shoulders on which to shed a few tears.  Thank you for just being there as once again, I lose my composure over my children.  Thank you for being my friends.

Vacation Fun

My husband and I just got back from taking our two sons, and his daughter to the Alabama coast for a long weekend of fun.  It started off great.  I made a promise to myself and my husband that I was going to TRY (pay attention to that word -- it's important) to not yell at the children much.  Remember that word "try"?  Well, let's just say that some moments required more "trying" than others because the children were more "trying" at times than others.

I succeeded, which is a small miracle in itself.  We all had fun.  We went to the pool and the beach, we took the daughter shopping, we saw and toured a battleship and submarine, and we even rode a ferry.  We came back tired and sunburned, but I think that is a rule of vacations.  You MUST come back tired and sunburned or it wasn't a good vacation.  No one wanted to come back, so I take that as a good sign.

However, I learned a lot on this trip.  Not just about battleships and submarines, or to remember to put sunblock on your shoulders as well as your arms and legs (painful lesson learned).  I learned about the differences between boys and girls -- other than the obvious.

1.  Boys are messier.  You would think that as a pre-teen girl, H would have wardrobe calamities, or accessories tossed hither, thither, and yon, and just be a complete tornado.  Let me tell you, she was the NEAT one.  Yes, there was a little mess on her side of the room, but that was due more to lack of space than her.  The boys, on the other hand, covered the bathroom floor in dirty clothes (poor H had to step on them to take her showers).  I'm used to the mess at home.  After all, it only took 30 seconds after our return for the carpet in their bedroom to be covered in toys, clothes, shoes, and other things I'm scared to look at too closely.

2.  Boys are louder.  Again, you would think that a pre-teen girl would squeal and giggle and make all manner of noise to get her dad's attention.  Nope.  She was quiet, polite, and waited her turn to speak.  The boys?  Wouldn't / Couldn't be quiet if they were unconscious.  I swear they are even noisy asleep.  Seriously.  Z talks in his sleep (usually yelling at M to leave him alone), and M snores.

3.  Girls are more polite.  I know, this one is obvious.  But after the boys burping, snorting, yelling, and making other various noisy I don't even like to think about, H's politeness and good manners were SO appreciated.  She evens knows what to do with a napkin!!!!!

4.  Girls are cleaner.  She combed her hair.  Voluntarily.  We have to chase down the boys.  Her face was always clean.  The boys get dirt on their faces climbing out of the bathtub.  Her clothes were always neat.  The boys?  Let's not even think about it.

Yes, I have discovered many differences between boys and girls.  I'm sure most of you know these already.  I  actually KNEW them, it was SEEING them that was so amazing.  Startling, really.  It makes me realize what I'm missing having just boys.  NOT enough to make me think of trying to have a third child.  Nope.  Uh-Uh.  No way.  Not happening, unless God Himself decides it.  But it's nice having her around.  She helps even out the testosterone level at my house.  And she even sides with ME sometimes.

As a (Step) Mother...

Wow......I never thought I would be a step-mother.  This is difficult.  When I had my boys, I knew they would love me.  I mean, they HAVE TO love me, right?  I AM their mother.  They came and I held them, rocked them, loved them.  They were beautiful.  I loved them and they loved me.

Then, one year ago, we found out they have a sister.  She's now about to turn twelve.  Hard age for her.  Difficult situation for us both.  She is SO incredible.  She's taller than I am, with beautiful wavy dark hair.  She's smart, sweet, funny....she is all the things I fell in love with in her dad.  She looks just like him.  Well, a softer, prettier feminine version of him.  She has a beautiful smile.  She's everything I ever wanted in a daughter.  And she belongs to someone else.

She and her dad bonded instantly.  Same with the boys.  They took to her like baseball and toy trucks and water guns.  She is their sister.  They are her brothers.  But what I am?

I have nightmares of Snow White and Cinderella and pray she doesn't see me like that.  Her mother is still very much in the picture -- she has custody -- and has done a wonderful job raising her.  But where do I fit?  Is she afraid to love me because she doesn't want to hurt her mom?  Does she secretly hope her parents will get back together?  Am I the interloper in her dreams of a happy family?  I always feel a little lost around her.  I hope she doesn't feel that way around me.

And what do I do?  I can't force myself into her heart.  I won't.  I love her already.  I want to consider her as a daughter.  I want her to consider me as a second mom.  I don't want to replace her mom.  I wouldn't even want to try.  I just want her to let me love her.