Have you ever been scared? I don't mean scare of spiders, or scared of a strange noise. I don't mean scared of what mom or dad is going to do to you when they find out what you did. I mean scared all the way to the bottom of your heart. Scared that is so deep you feel your bones shake. That kind of scared.
I feel that way now.
Let me tell you a story. When my first child was 3 weeks old, he started throwing up. Nothing would stay down for long. It got worse and worse. We saw five doctors in five days and got five different diagnoses. Finally, after ending up in the ER at 1 am, and my son's pediatrician back to work after surgery, we found out what was actually wrong. Pyloric Stenosis. The muscle between his stomach and his small intestine grew too fast and closed off the opening so his food had no place to go. He weighed less than he did the day we brought him home from the hospital. They transported us to Blair Batson Children's Hospital in Jackson and he had surgery the next morning. The very day Z turned 4 weeks old, they operated on him. 4 Weeks Old. That day I was scared. I handed my baby off to a doctor for surgery. But at least I knew that the doctor was going to heal my baby. I was scared, but I knew it was going to be all right.
I don't know that right now.
The details of what is happening really don't matter (and please don't ask). Suffice it to say, I'm wandering around in the dark and I'm lost. I can't find my way out. I can't find a light. I'm not sure when it will end. I know it will, but I like a timeline so that I can count down. I can see progress then.
I believe in God. I know he will get us through. I do have faith. But I'm still absolutely terrified. My world is completely shaken. I can't be calm and steady and sure like some Christians I know. I really wish I could. I know this is a test or a trial of His, but honestly, all I really want is to KNOW how this will end. Knowing that it WILL end doesn't help. At all.
People tell me to be quiet and listen to that "still, small voice." I'm afraid that mean, cruel whisper of doubt is louder no matter how hard I try to ignore it.
I'm trying to have faith. I'm trying to believe. But I can't help but wonder if I'm clinging desperately to the wrong choice.
I'm tired of wandering around lost in the dark.
I'm tired of being scared.
I'm tired of feeling helpless.
Please God take away my fear.
Please God give me strength.
Please God give me peace.
It seems everyone has a blog these days. Not that I'm giving in to the "norm." I just want to have a place that is mine. These are my thoughts, my opinions, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. I am a Daughter. I am a Wife. I am a Mother. But above all, I am a WOMAN.
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