It seems everyone has a blog these days. Not that I'm giving in to the "norm." I just want to have a place that is mine. These are my thoughts, my opinions, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. I am a Daughter. I am a Wife. I am a Mother. But above all, I am a WOMAN.

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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Betrayal

Why is betrayal so much a part of life?  Is there any among us who has not been betrayed?

I have been betrayed by men, by acquaintences, by friends, even by family.  Amazing. I never expect it, yet it happens. I will even say I am sure that I have betrayed someone. But this blog is a public forum, so please forgive me for not treating it as a Confessional.

I'm sure we have all been betrayed by a lover. What young girl has not had her heart broken by a boy? Why else is the divorce rate so high if not for betrayal?  Whether it is our heart that is betrayed, or our trust, it is still betrayal and it still hurts. Truth be told, I I have been accused of breaking a heart or two myself.  They trusted me with their heart, and I betrayed that trust.

Acquaintences, too, have betrayed me  sometimes.  Gossip is gossip is gossip.  Seriously, what else are you going to trust with someone you barely know?  Betrayal here is just proof that we should not spread stories about other people. And lest you think I am being sanctimonious, I willingly admit I have a lot of trouble with this. Sometimes I discuss people with other people out of concern, but (I have to confess) sometimes I do it out of malicious glee over some disliked person's misfortune. I am ashamed of it, but I am guilty of it.  

Friends......or people we thought were friends. To trust someone with our most intimate secrets and have that betrayed can be agony. We gave a shovel and a map of where all of our skeletons are buried to someone who went and put those dirty old bones on display for the world to see. Ouch. That forces us to cut off a friendship, and hurts as much as any physical amputation. The longer and deeper the friendship was before the betrayal, the worse the amputation and resulting phantom pain.

Family betrayals are worse than any other though.  "Blood is thicker than water." Except when isn't. These people are the ones we are supposed to be able to trust above all others. These are the people that are supposed to stand WITH us against all others, against the entire world if necessary.  When they betray us, it feels like an assassination.  They killed a piece of our heart.  That part of us will never trust again. It will never love again.  That piece is dead.

Betrayal. It can cause so much damage.  It has caused friendships to end.  It has caused feuds that have lasted from hours to generations.  It has caused families to disintegrate. It has caused marriages to end in divorce.  It has even caused suicides and murder. Betrayal has resulted in the death of so many things and so many people.

And all of it could be avoided. We all just need to stop and think before we speak.  We need to stop and think before we act.  We need to stop and think. STOP and THINK.  Would we want someone to say that to us?  Would we want someone to do that to us?

Several years ago, my husband and I went to a Marriage Retreat.  One of the things they taught us (or tried to) was, before we speak, ask ourselves, "Are the words I am about to speak Kind? Are they Necessary?  Are they True?" If the answer to ANY of those three questions is "No" then just don't say them.  Simple.

We should all try to think about that more often.  I know by my own scars that other people should.   I know by my own guilt that I definitely should.

What about you?  How many scars do you have?  How much guilt do you carry?

This blog is not an indictment of myself or of you, the reader. It is just my own thoughts and experiences mixed with inquiry. Did I make you think?  Yes?  Good. Self-reflection is good for the soul. I hope I made you think. I hope we all will stop and think more often.  If not, well, maybe next time.

8 comments:

crittersandcrayons said...

I'm sure I've experienced betrayal on a small scale- friends who turned out to not be what I thought, perhaps. I think we've spent so much time moving from place to place that I don't even think about it because the betrayal, the friendships- were so transient in nature- maybe that's a good thing- otherwise, I imagine it could be quite depressing. :)

Caffeinated Me said...

Hi, Angel. Just came across your SM thread that you left. I am so sorry that you felt you had to leave, but I can respect your decision. (BTW, this is "Fractured")

Funny how I just posted from my journal to my meager blog a topic about my personal betrayal. :)

Hope you keep on writing. I haven't been on here since last time you mentioned it on the MB, but will keep coming back to read your posts. Hope you and your DH are doing well and wish you both the best.

Angel said...

To crittersandcrayons You are a very lucky person. I envy you not having experienced large-scale betrayal. It gives you an "innocent" quality the rest of us would love to still have. I am very happy for you. That is something to be very proud of. And I really like your blog.

To Caffeinated Me Thank you, it's nice to be missed. I will definitely keep checking out your blog. You have a wonderful way with words also, and I will definitely be checking it out!

Caffeinated Me said...

Hey, Angel. $hit. I just got caught up on some of the SM threads... So sorry that you were going through such a rough time. I'm not on FB or Twitter because I'm not quite ready to be found IRL, but if you want, you are welcome to email me - caffeinated.me [at] gmail dot com. Hope you are doing much better now. I know we are mostly strangers who happened to chance upon each other on SM MB, but some of you ladies helped me greatly when I really needed somewhere to "be". I would like to be able to do the same, if only to be a sounding board for your thoughts. I wanted to email you but your account and all your posts were already deleted there... Hopeyou keep your chin up! There is hope when all seems dismal, and you are NOT alone. :)
- CM (formerly "Fractured" on SM)

crittersandcrayons said...

Angel- Thanks for that- and I really like your blog, too!

Lindsay said...

That was lovely reading Angel, thank you. Definitely made me think outside the box. Sometimes you have to think of others in order to put your own life into perspective. Thank you for such a great blog.

loveonlifeandlove said...

"" We gave a shovel and a map of where all of our skeletons are buried to someone who went and put those dirty old bones on display for the world to see.""

This.

There are exactly ZERO people that I trust anymore.

Every.Single.Person. that I have ever held closely enough to my heart to discuss and disclose intimate secrets has betrayed that trust in some way.

Maybe they opened their mouth to someone else.

Maybe they never spoke of it again, to anyone else, but continually throw it up in my face.

Maybe they do none of the above, but I can still see and feel the judgement radiating from them, because they *know*...

It's an isolating, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching feeling to experience the sting of betrayal, in whatever form it may take.

Angel said...

Love, I've had the same issues -- judgement or ammunition -- either way, it destroys something inside when someone you trust betrays you. My emotional scars far outweigh the physical ones just from betrayal. 12 years and my husband is still trying to heal some of those wounds. I don't have the heart to tell him that they will never heal. They can't.